Platinum Simply Means You Fly Too Much: May 2011

Some days just last a very long time.

London Morning

7 hour jetlag to London so up at 5:00 am this morning in London. Body still on Perth time, i.e. noon.
I seem to do a lot of "5:00 a.m.'s" on these roadtrips.
The first cloudless morning in London since I got here on Friday.

An English sky washed with a pleasant, soft un-Australian blue.

LHR Terminal 5

I dislike admitting it, but LHR Terminal 5 is quite possibly the best airline terminal in the world.
It's well laid out and seems to work efficiently now that they have sorted out the early teething problems.(Little snafus like all your luggage disappearing for 5 days and turning up in Moscow).

The eating options are plentiful (including Wagamama), the shops are interesting and there is a bit of a buzz sadly missing from most international airports, even the much acclaimed Changi* and Hong Kong airports.

Arrived early so had time to share some nicotine addiction with BA staffers in the smoking bunker outside at the far end of the Departures Concourse (presumably the only place uniformed BA staff are allowed to indulge their filthy habit).
How times change... (Yes, yes for the better of course!)
Those of you that can travel half price on public transport may remember the Peter Stuyvesant adverts featuring handsome airline pilots and glamorous hosties puffing away.
Now there is something weird about chatting to a four-stripe 747 pilot and a bevy of high-heeled attendants dragging on fags while hiding behind a screen wall.
I found it vaguely disconcerting.

BA Lounge serves a jolly good breakfast without those silly restrictions in Oz about no alcohol before 12 noon.

Hot bacon rolls, french pastries, Bloody Mary and all the Daily Mail you can stomach at 7am

On the plane to JFK: Delighted that what appeared to be an American Airlines booking turned out to be a British Airways plane with those truly ruly flat bed seats that I like**.

This is good and getting better.

No it is not.

This plane was hit by lightning and a few things don't work...

After farting around for half an hour on the stand, we taxi.
Then we stop, then we go back to the stand.
The Captain announces very cheerfully that this plane was "hit badly by lightning three days ago" and a few bits an' pieces went rather kaput.
Including something deep in this nose-cone without which, apparently, no one since Lindbergh would dare cross the Atlantic.

The nasty nose cone covering the kaput thingamebob

A fluorescent gaggle of sturdy men in yellow jackets swarm aboard (including one tagged "Turnaround Manager" - which is what I've decided I want to be when I grow up) and converse in far too jolly a fashion with the captain whose gadgetman's dream is right in front of me.
Why is there laughter in the cockpit in this time of crisis? I don't like it!
After much swarming and too much PA jocularity from our captain we finally rejoin the let's-get-out-of-here-queue on the runway.
We are 1 1/2 hours late and my JFK - Pittsburgh connection is looking sick.

However, a Bloody Mary puts me in the mood for a bite of lunch.
A few tasty scallops and a glass of Riesling are promising and maybe things aren't so bad after all.

Chicken Chernobyl

Until the main course arrives: Chicken Tikka a la Chernobyl.
It is extremely ugly.
The very nice and friendly mothery hostess lady confesses to me:
"While we were back on the stand, I thought I'd save a bit of time and zap them.
Maybe I did it a bit too much..."

Poulet Chernobyl avec Agent Orange

I'm sure it will take pride of place on the BA inflight menu.
I could not eat a single morsel of it, so asked for the whole bottle of Riesling and a triple portion of the cheese.

Six hours at JFK

Despite JFK staff hustling me at speed through the US citizens line (a new and pleasant experience), I am too late for my Pittsburgh connection.
The next flight is not until 8:30 tonight (which is 1:45 am tomorrow morning London time and 8:45 am tomorrow Perth time!) and it is now 2:45. The joys of travel.

I hang around outside Terminal 8 in the sunshine, engaging in ESL conversation with backpackers from somewhere east of the Elbe.

After an hour I give up trying to explain the rules of cricket to them and head for the lounge.

The American Airlines Flagship Lounge is a big step up from the two-drink-vouchers-per-customer mean and nasty feel of the Admirals' Club. It's almost as good as our Qantas / BA lounges back in Oz.

I have been on the go for 15 hours now...

I need a drink and something to make up for the Chook Chernobyl.

"Droop Dead!" Oh how I long for some News of the World instead of Perth's dreary Sunday Times.

Buffalo wings, sushi, a turkey roll and several glasses of excellent Chablis later I can really enjoy the New York Daily News earth-shattering scoop on Viagra being found in Osama bin Laden's fridge.

Pittsburgh, PA

Quick flight to Pittsburgh, but after 21 hours travelling I'm beginning to rather droop myself.

Pittsburgh airport 10:30 at night...

Where is everybody? Has there been a war and nobody has Twittered it?

I am so pleased to see our visit to Pittsburgh coincides with a convention of the National Rifle Association. That should be good for a few barbed comments from Rory about the state of the nation of our revered allies.

Finally, 23 hours after setting off on this leg of the trip, Rory and I sit in the Sheraton Station Square bar watching the Conference for Christian Unity delegates progress from self-righteous and abstemious mineral water to Margaritas after 11:00 o'clock and certain church representatives becoming potentially very biblically unified for the night as they get more blotto.

Truly uplifting to see and all in a jolly ecumenical spirit.

24 hours after leaving SW12 for LHR finally to bed with a Pittsburgh view out the window.

It's been a long day and warehouses start 6:00 am tomorrow.

Footnotes:

*Changi Singapore has never worked for me.
It's exceptionally efficient, but is always undergoing a scaffolding / boarded-up revamp of some sort which makes it hard to figure out what overall picture they are actually trying to achieve.
Pre the last revamp, the Changi retail layout had that disconcerting "repeat every 100 metres" pattern: Same shops, same brands, same looking staff repeated in every direction. Add that to jetlag and a few too many shandies on the plane and a brisk leg-stretching walk becomes a bit of a headspin..
In the current revamp, a spree of designer label shops is about to be added by 2012. That may improve the look of things, but I have not found Singapore prices - especially designer label - anything to write home about since the late 1970's.
Smokers' Cough Zone: It may have been there forever, but I just discovered a Nicotine Addiction Area almost underneath the Business Lounges.
No need to climb up guiltily up through the kiddies' playground into the Harry's Bar & Cactus Garden (Who on earth wants to look at a cactus garden in 99% humidity.. They are nasty, spiteful looking things that could have been reject designs for extras in The Day of the Triffids.)

**Flat is good. Despite the claims of other airlines, I still find that BA Business Class beds suit me the best. Yes, they are narrow , but - unlike the gradual slope in the bottom 30% of of other airlines - they are truly flat./
The secret is in that simple little pop-up footstool that connects to the bottom of the seat and keeps it horizontal.

USA Part 2 Pittsburgh, Niagara Falls

Pittsburgh at Dawn. Why do all our buying days start so early?

One of Pittsburgh's dozens of impressive steel bridges

Rory at a warehouse. (3 square miles of books to look at...)

Pittsburgh Airport security the pits...

Just finished reminding Rory what a nice little country town airport Pittsburgh is and that there was really no need for us to have arrived there as early as we did... when we hit the queue to get through security.

TSA officials manning security checks are obviously the brightest men & women this great nation can produce to protect its borders, airports and public toilets.

Because it was lunchtime these dedicated heroes, totally appropriately, decided to shut down 3 out of 4 booths so that the 250plus passengers queueing to check in could have a little extra time to get to know each other in the queue and carefully avoid making illegal jokes within hearing of our uniformed protectors.

Niagara Falls and then Rises in My Opinion

Pittsburgh-Chicago (Elizabeth used to route via CHI just for the Cinnabons at the airport) - Toronto - Niagara, Canada.

For many years I was underwhelmed about impending visits to Niagara, believing The Falls to be the only good thing about "PlaceWhereWaterPissesOverEdgeAtGreatSpeed" (or whatever the original Red Indian name for Niagara was).

Not that I have anything against a town where - apart from the Falls - "Ripley's Believe It or Not House of Fun" is the top of the list attraction.

I have been to Blackpool.

I like people in tracksuit bottoms who drink Coors on Monday mornings at Thank God It's Friday with their fried Mars bars.

I used to own a tracksuit.

I think Tony the Wog's World Famous Ribs (or some name like that) deserves its spot on the list of gourmet restaurants.

Somebody's got to come last.

However, I have changed my view...

I now actually look forward to going there and enjoy it!

Firstly, our local supplier generously offers to accommodate us either in a B & B next to his warehouse that I swear could double as the house of Norman Bates's house in "Psycho"...

Or in comfortable suites overlooking the Falls...

Niagara Falls at dawn (We do a lot of dawn.)

(Much as I am an admirer of Tony Perkins, we invariably opt for the view.)

Secondly, they transport us by limo to and from airports.

(Even when, on a misguided whim we fly into Toronto instead of Buffalo.)

I am easily impressed by ridiculously long cars with drivers in black caps who hold open the door for me and pretend not to notice my $39.95 K-Mart luggage.

Thirdly, we went to dinner at very cheesy but very pretty Niagara-on-the-Lake via Lake Toronto.